Somedays, it feels like “responsibility” is treated as a dirty word. In our current sensationalized-news and media-centric environment, the idea of ensuring that we serve, and love, those around us seems, well, outdated. Tell someone they’re responsible for something and you’re just as likely to get a finger pointing at someone else as an acknowledgement.

From a real-life conversation . . .

This all came to mind the other day when walking with some friends. The one said, “I get the feeling Keith goes home and sits down and reads with his kids and spends time with them”. Then, jokingly, they pointed to another friend who’s a dad and said you expect he just goes home and drops all his efforts at the door.

Yes, they were joking about that other dad. I have known dads, though, who fit that mold. These are the ones who invest more time in their work than their family, who feel like video games are more important than quality time with their kids (see this previous post about that), or who feel they have the same responsibility level as their kids.

Where does that non-responsibility come from?

We all have to live up to some level of responsibility in life, or at least live with the consequences. If you want to eat, you need to find (and work to keep) a job. If you want your car to last more than a couple years, you have to get it serviced regularly. Those are pretty easy things to grasp, so why do we as guys have such a challenge grasping the responsibilities of our role as dads? Based on my experiences, I’ve got a couple ideas.

1. It’s About Me

First, there’s a lot of mindset of “I’ll take care of my kids, but I need to make sure I’m still able to do what I want.” As a dad, yes, you still have to ensure that all your needs are met, but that doesn’t mean all your wants will get met. If you’re still spending the same time pursuing your individual passions and projects as a dad as you did when you were single, you’re not living up to your responsibilities. You chose to become a Dad, and in that you chose to sacrifice some of what you enjoyed to provide support and joy to your kids and your family.

Now, please hear me clearly on this: You should never have to sacrifice to the point where you completely lose your identity. Having some time to pursue what brings you fulfillment is important for balance. It helps you remember who you are, and then gives you the strength to carry on and be a better dad to your kids.

2. The Dad-to-Dad Affirmation

This one’s really a continuation of the first, but it deserves its own space. In spite of the independent tendencies of most guys, we do listen a lot to each other on certain points. One of those is when another guy says, “You should just let your kids go do whatever they want so you can come have fun with us.” Somehow, hearing that from another person makes us feel like, “You know what? They’re right, I should be able do that.”

But just like with the first point, it ignores that you need to take responsibility for your kids–they’re yours. You know who’s not going to have to pay the price for you ditching your kids night after night? Those other guys. And for goodness’ sake, if you’re getting terrible advice like that from guys who don’t have kids yet, just tell them they only have a voice at the table when they have kids of their own.

3. I’m the One with the Job, the Wife Will Raise the Kids

If you’re reading this and you laughed at this point, just know that I do too. There are definitely still some dads that follow this line of thinking. The problem is, and you can find the research to back this up, kids need both their parents in their lives to help them become the best adults they can be.

The real kicker is that it can be easy for a guy to come to this point through simple exhaustion. When you work really hard at your job, even if your hours aren’t crazy, that effort and stress adds up. It becomes so easy to just come home, let the day overwhelm you, and only give a half-hearted effort to your family. That’s what has happened to me sometimes. Just like with not working out and eating junk food, it’s a hard thing to change.

4. Laziness

OK, last but not least, there are dads who just don’t bother to put any effort into parenting. This isn’t a story I’ve heard very often, but it does happen. These are the guys who feel like their kids are there to serve them, and they should have to exert little to no effort themselves.

I saw this with a close family member growing up, and I’ll put my opinion right out there: If you’re having kids because you just want personal servants, that’s disgusting. You should have kids because you want them and love them. As a “hard truth” aside, from a purely monetary viewpoint, it’s immensely cheaper to hire somebody to help around the house than it is to raise kids anyways.

What should we, as dads, be doing?

Before you think I’m throwing stones, of the items described above, I’ve had at least two if not three of the above mentalities at some point in my life as a dad. This isn’t about finger pointing, or saying “At least I’m better than that guy.” We each have to admit where we’re weak so we can figure out how to start owning up to our responsibilities as dads.

So knowing our weaknesses, what are some of the big responsibilities we need to step up to? You can find books, magazine articles, video clips, and on and on about this topic. For me, these are the big ones:

1. You are the guardian of your home

There’s always been a concept out there about the man being the leader of the home. This never struck me as much, though, as when I heard it phrased like this: You are the person who decides who, and what, comes into your home.

Think about that: You are the person who decides what is permitted to come inside your home and to influence, for better or worse, your family. You need to be the one who greets the salesmen who ring your doorbell, and tells them “no” if need be. As a dad, you set the rules for when your friends or your kids’/wife’s friends are allowed to come over–because, honestly, there are people we should never let in our home even if we spend time with them outside it. You also set the rules for what television shows, movies, magazines, and so on are allowed inside the house. Just like with the friends, there are some things you shouldn’t have around your kids, at least not while they’re little.

2. You are their protector

You need to act as your kids’ protector against all the other things in life too. See that creepy dude getting near your kid at the grocery store? Get between him and your kid. As shown by the recent Gillette ad, if you’ve got a little kid and you see some other kid holding him down and hurting him, do something. If you see another adult treating your kid in a way that’s not OK, say something. The protection you give them, and the love that it shows, will echo in your kids’ hearts and lives forever.

3. You need to be willing to discipline your kids . . .

Yup, that’s right, you need to discipline your kids when they’ve done wrong too. Whether you go the route of spanking, timeouts, losing privileges, or something else, you need to set boundaries and consequences for going outside of them. Moms can and should do this too, but most kids listen more when it’s the dad figure who’s handing out discipline–no gender bias, that’s what I’ve actually experienced.

And to you dads who do the whole counting to three thing and get to “two and a half . . . three . . . I really mean it, this is it . . .”–you’ve already lost. Your kid already knows you aren’t going to do anything, or that they’re allowed to push way farther than you’re letting on. You need to get off your butt, count to three, and respond.

4. . . . but always with forgiveness and love

If I have to discipline our boys, I work hard at letting them know afterwards that their punishment is done and we’ve moved past the situation. More than that, I try to always tell them that I love them after disciplining–if they don’t hear anything else, I want them to hear that. Because beyond stopping whatever they were doing wrong, that discipline is meant to be corrective. It’s meant to show our kids that there are better actions they could take, and that we’ll be by their side, loving them, every step of the way.

5. You set the example of what a man should be

This one’s a big one whether you have boys or girls. As the dad, you are the male figure your kids will be around the most in life. Got sons? They’re going to look to you for an example of how they should interact with others, what a loving husband looks like, and how to show compassion and forgiveness. Check out the poem “A Little Fellow Follows Me” at The Art of Manliness’ website if you want to feel both motivated and completely inadequate 🙂

If you’ve got daughters, guess what? Your actions, how you treat her, are going to set the standard for how she’ll expect her future boyfriends to treat her. Take her on daddy-daughter dates, show her love and respect, and treat her like she matters and she’s going to have high expectations for the men she lets into her life in the future. Show an absence of love, show her she’s less important than your friends or other activities and you’ll reap the rewards of that, too.

It’s your choice

As I said before, as dads we have to face up to our responsibilities or live with the consequences of not doing so. No one is going to do it perfectly. No one can look back at the end of their life and say, “I never caused pain for my kid” or “I always chose them over everything else”. But here’s the thing: You can choose to work at it.

If you’re a dad who identifies with any of the points about avoiding responsibility above, you can either be comfortable with it or do something about it. Even if you don’t identify with any of those points, maybe they helped you realize other areas that are preventing you from living up to your responsibilities. Take that knowledge and do something with it! Pick any of the big areas of responsibility above, or find the ones that ring true for you, and work on them! Every little step, every effort, every attempt at change is a signal to your kids that you know how important your role, and responsibilities, as a dad are. You are shaping your child’s future, one choice at a time.

NOTE:  Because this post is a little lengthy, I’m going to post this week’s project next week.  Keep an eye out for it!